|
[12 Aug 2005|09:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
--sigh--
i don't even know how long it's been since i've been on the site. i have been away. shit really hit the fan one day and i had to check myself in for a while. well, probably two whole months? sometime in may i went in. i still hadn't been on since then because life was just getting so insane i didn't know where to begin. my mother passed away. my sister called me one day and told me she was killed in a car addcident. it's not like we had talked in over a year, but still. she was my mother. my father i guess has since gone insane, i've heard he won't leave the house, he quit his job and has turned the telephone off. my sister lives all the way across the country, so it's not like she, nor i can just stop by to see him. plus, after being kicked out of my house because of my pregnancy i don't think i'd be the one he'd want to see right about now. they never even knew i gave the baby up for adoption. still paying the fucking bills for that, fuck. i had started to date one girl, but after my sister called i got kind of reclouse and she's found a new boie to play with. after that i checked myself in and the past two months have been somewhat a blur. secret affairs with various room mates, trying to find anything to harm myself, sleeping for days on end. i'm not even sure what was real now that i'm out. i think i'm doing alright, but maybe i'm just covering it up so i dont really have to deal with it... aw well, one way or the other i'm doing okay...
--Sammi
|
|
|
[03 Jan 2005|02:22am] |
so anther new year another start. how pointless it is. well, it came and went just like any other day... aw well.
--Sammi
|
|
| Round and Round we go, where we stop I already know... |
[19 May 2004|11:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ren And Stimpy On:Spike TV |
] |
Somebody slap me. I was online last night, and my ex boyfriend from about a year ago told me he loves me. God, please. This man, no this boy, treated me like utter shit for two years. He cheated on me for our entire two year relationship, with many girls. He played countless mind games and even had me paying his bills. Then he left me completely empty and in shambles. I gave him everything I had and he just sucked it all from me and left me there, an empty shell of what I used to be. I had to be put in the ‘hospital’ once again after he left. I was dependant on meth and cutting so badly after he left… so badly. I had to go cold turkey in the hospital, which was absolutely horrible. But I made it through, I made it through and slowly I am picking up the pieces and placing them where they once were. And then he pulls something like this, trying to waltz back into my life, like nothing had ever happened. He expects me to take him back, as if wasting two years of my life and breaking my soul wasn’t enough? He wants to come back for more? My heart felt like a shattered piece in the carpet, there was no way of saving it, there was no point to picking it up, it was the end of it. I can’t believe he’s told me that, once I am finally pulling myself back together, once I am finally trying to get off meth and making some progress he tries to come into my life and push me back down to slave level. I told him to fuck himself. There was a lot of “fuck you’s” and “how dare you’s”. I said, “Once I am finally happy you think you have a right to be in my life again, after all you put me through? Two words for you buddy: Fuck You!” I can’t believe the nerve some people have…I really can’t. At least I didn’t break again, and take him back. I’m trying to be strong, but I feel so alone…
----Sammi
|
|
| And the violence caused such silence |
[15 May 2004|09:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Zombie By: The Cranberries |
] |
Living with a couple does tend to get on my nerves. But being with them makes me glad that I'm bisexual, in a weird way, if that makes sense. Adam isn't that bad of a guy, but that is just the thing, he's a guy. When I'm seeing a girl, I get that total feeling of understanding. It's a lot easier with a girl, men never know what to say or do or how we really feel. But with a girl, it's just a mirror image of yourself and if you do happen to hurt each other, you know just how to fix it. I miss when Violet and I were together, but at least she is still in my life and around. And I guess it's better that we are just friends and there's no deeper relationship. We are too much alike that it was just weird. I'm glad I'm not in a relationship right now though, I can honestly say. After my last boyfriend I could use a break. I always get stuck with the crazy ones. So, it's solo for a while, until I'm comfortable with myself and I'm off of meth for good. No more slip ups and no more mistakes; I need to get off it for good. Then I can improve myself and become content with myself, then and only then will I start looking for a new someone. I don't really have anything to say. Ran around with Violet today, to take care of business and things like that. I hate having to drive her around, but what can I say? Not like I have anything else to do. Went down to the strip club to visit her sister and check it out. I'm still considering it. I don't want to work an office job again, I hate dress codes and there's no way I'm taking out my peircings for it or dying my hair a normal color. Stripping doesn't seem too bad, but I'm still thinking about it. Anyway, I hope you guys have an awesome weekend. Take care of yourselves.
----Sammi
|
|
| Well, here goes again |
[14 May 2004|07:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bang Bang By: Nancy Sinatra |
] |
Well I'm going to try this again. I'm new to livejournal, so thanks to those of you who have added me. I guess I could give you a back ground/catch up sort of thing seeing as how you guys (girls) are going to be reading about my life. I'm going to be 21 on June 13th of this year. I live in Portland, Oregon. I used to live in Eugene with my parents, but I now live with two room mates, Aaron and Violet, yes a couple. Which isn't too horrible, except when I sink into my depression phases and I get lonely. I've learned to deal with it though. I am currently unemployed and I sit around the house all day and smoke pot or drink. I'm trying to quit an increasingly bad methamphetamine habit, and surprisingly I'm not failing too badly. I'm thinking of taking up a stripping job, but I'm not sure if I want to fall into that or not. It is pretty easy money though. Well, I'm not sure what else I could say about myself. Thanks for adding me though. I don't know how often I will update. I'm going to see Skinny Puppy next month, that'll be kick ass.
----Sammi
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
fishxnet's journal